She's still out of town, and I'm struggling

Since my wife has been out of town, my diet has consisted of frozen cheeseburgers, burritos, and military rations. I reported about this in my most recent posting; however, the new development on this front is that my preservative-laden diet has created a hole in my stomach.

I've had such horrible heartburn that the acid burnt a hole in my stomach. I have to wear gauze over the hole or squirrels will try to jump into the hole in my stomach and hibernate for the winter. I just got back from an overnight backpacking trip, and during the night a centipede, two snakefish, and a small field mouse all tried to get into my innards.

Expecting such attempts, however, I placed poisonous darts in my belly button to shoot out at any enemies. That is how I was able to identify the would-be hibernators: they were strewn in a semi-circle around the tent.

The place where we went backpacking was really close to where I proposed to my wife: Springer Mountain in north Georgia, near the Appalachian trailhead. It was just about two years ago that I asked her to marry me. It was in the fall, too, just like it is now.